Who Wants to Be A Corrupt Politician Millionaire?
The following is a transcript of when Joe Biden, the 46th “President” of the United States of America, appeared on the popular game show, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
GAME SHOW HOST: Joe, you did it: you made it into the hot seat. How do you feel?
JOE BIDEN: This is easily the greatest achievement of my life.
GAME SHOW HOST: Definitely. Let’s play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!
(audience applause)
GAME SHOW HOST: Remember, you have three lifelines: phone a friend, ask the audience, and 50/50. Alright, for $100, here’s the first question: Who is your wife?
A: Jill Biden. B: Kamala Harris. C: Dylan Mulvaney. or D: Adolf Hitler.
(Joe Biden is deep in deliberation, scratching his head, shifting in his seat)
JOE BIDEN: What a doozy of a first question! It looks like I’m gonna have to phone a friend.
GAME SHOW HOST: Who would you like to call?
JOE BIDEN: My son, Hunter.
GAME SHOW HOST: Okay, let’s get Hunter on the line!
JOE BIDEN: Hello, son. I need your help.
HUNTER BIDEN: Dad, I’m in the middle of something here, snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass in a public washroom. Can’t this wait?
JOE BIDEN: It’s only gonna take a second. What’s your mother’s name?
HUNTER BIDEN: What, are you serious? This is what you called me for? You’re lucky you did me that favour by getting the Ukrainian prosecutor fired, or else I wouldn’t put up with your bullshit. Her name is Jill.
JOE BIDEN: Thank you, son.
(Joe Biden looks over at the Game Show Host assuredly, as he nods his head)
JOE BIDEN: I’m gonna say A. Final answer.
GAME SHOW HOST: Correct! You’ve now made it past $100. Four more and you’re guaranteed to leave with $1,000. Nine more and you got that coveted $32,000. Next question for $200: What do experts say is the greatest threat to humanity?
A: Climate change. B: Nuclear war. C: Artificial intelligence. D: Pandemics.
JOE BIDEN: That’s easy: it’s Donald Trump.
GAME SHOW HOST: Correct, you’re moving on to the next round! For $300, who left cocaine in the White House?
A: Barack Obama. B: Bill Clinton. C: Jill Biden. D: Hunter Biden.
JOE BIDEN: I think I know who it was, but let’s ask the audience, just to be sure.
GAME SHOW HOST: Alright, computer, show us what the audience thinks the correct answer is: we got 6% for Barack Obama, 3% for Bill Clinton, 1% for Jill Biden, and 90% for Hunter Biden. What are you going to choose, Joe?
JOE BIDEN: I’m still not sure, so let’s do 50/50.
GAME SHOW HOST: Okay, computer, please eliminate two of the wrong answers. We’re left with A and D. What’s your answer?
JOE BIDEN: Eeny, meeny, miney, moe—catch a tiger by its toe. If he hollers, let him go—eeny, meeny, miny, moe. I’m gonna go with D … D for Donald Trump.
GAME SHOW HOST: Correct, again! Okay, the next question is for $500, but you don’t have anymore lifelines left, so you really need to think about it carefully. What key piece of legislation did you draft as a senator:
A: Magna Carta. B: Declaration of Independence. C: 1994 Crime Bill. D: the Bible.
JOE BIDEN: This is another easy one that I remember as if it happened yesterday. In fact, I actually signed the Declaration of Independence with a feathered fountain pen I borrowed from George Washington. He was quite upset with me because I didn’t return it … (Joe loses his train of thought) wait, what was I talking about?
GAME SHOW HOST: Joe, can we get back to the question, please?
JOE BIDEN: Right. I’m going to say B. Final answer.
GAME SHOW HOST: Oh, no, I’m sorry. The correct answer is actually C, the 1994 Crime Bill.
JOE BIDEN: You lying dog-faced pony soldier! Are you telling me I don’t know my own career? C’mon, man, give me a break.
GAME SHOW HOST: Mr. President, it was great having you on the show!
JOE BIDEN: I’m gonna need to phone another friend.
(Joe Biden pulls out his cellphone and makes a call)
JOE BIDEN: Hello, Xi Jinping. Remember how you helped me win in 2020? Well, I need your help to win a different game now.
(A Chinese hacker terrorist appears on the big TV and begins speaking in a Chinese accent)
CHINESE HACKER: Gameshow Host, you are now in the hot seat! Prepare to play, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Is your wife
A: Safe at home with her children. B: Cheating on you with the neighbour. C: Being tortured. D: Already dead.
GAME SHOW HOST: What kind of cruel mind game is this?
CHINESE HACKER: Wrong answer! She is now dead. Give Joe Biden the million dollars, or your son will be dead, too.
GAME SHOW HOST: Okay! Okay! You win, Joe Biden.
JOE BIDEN: I always do. Now, I have a question for you, too: where can I get some damn ice cream around here?